Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
