In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
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Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
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Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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