take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
