Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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