I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
