chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
