I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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