I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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