cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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