What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
