I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
