All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
