he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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