I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
