If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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