Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
