Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
