Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
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