Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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