**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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