you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
