these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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