Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
