And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
