If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
