we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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