The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Oh god it's open bar.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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