Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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