the condom got lost in my hair
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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