It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
