you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
