So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
