dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
