I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
