our cab driver is having phone sex.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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