just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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