Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
