If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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