its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
