I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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