We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
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Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
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I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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