Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
