I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
