do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
