all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
