Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
