I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
