I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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