pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize