I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
