I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
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Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
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Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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