currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
