Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
