Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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